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Grey, black, feeling blue

These were the things I held to be true

Brief periods of laughter, smiles, taking in the fun

Extensive spans of doubt, panic, and death were the worst ones

So fast, so quick, I couldn’t see

The new person depression made me

Friends, family, they all knew

That I wasn’t the Adiva they were used to.

One thing led to another

Things looked bad I worried my mother

Stuck in a loop that I couldn’t break

The walls caved in and I started to shake

Thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded my brain

I did a really good job of hiding that pain

I couldn’t see the light, everyday was a fight

couldn't get out of bed, I was stuck in my head.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m much better now

But the next part of this poem is me telling you how

It was my sister Maham who paved the way

And the reason I have the strength to read this today

She helped me find my love for God, makeup, and food

Which raised my spirits and brought back my sassy attitude.

I feel better, and more alive

But Maham tells me to take it slow, don’t take too many strides

2 lives I’ve lived, I’m caught in between

Don’t know which version to help, where should I lean?

Do i take it slow, let myself grow?

Or let myself be and pretend depression didn’t hit me?

Right now the days feel great

But how will I handle the days I hate

Will the thoughts return?

Will I want to burn?

Or will I get help right away

Before I let the pain stay.

I’m taking it day by day, but I’m climbing up

This is a note to myself: Adiva Khan don’t ever give up